Friday, December 14, 2007

Lost, Not Wandering


I have a terrible sense of direction. Almost assuredly if you ask me which direction I think we should go, you would be 93% correct in going in the opposite direction.

Dislocation Anxiety Disorder
Well, if everyone else on the planet can have a condition or disease, I can have one too, and mine is DAD.

A number of symptoms affect me dreadfully with this disease:
1. If my directions say "go approximately 1 mile and make a left on Main St.", and Main St doesn't appear after .72 miles, I turn around thinking I must have made a mistake. My breathing gets shallow and I begin to sweat.

2. If any of my directions seems to have an inconsistency, I start to make up my own. My breathing gets shallow and I begin to sweat.

3. I incessantly check my gas gauge to make sure I have at least enough gas to follow the Eastern sun back to the New Jersey shore, as I can usually find my way back home to Pennsylvania from there. My breathing gets shallow and I begin to sweat.

4. Even though I'm a male of the species, my natural instincts are overridden by this disease/disorder, and I stop and ask for directions.

5. I have Bonfire Of The Vanities flashbacks. My breathing gets shallow and I begin to sweat.

6. I have significant resentments for those folks who can recite their exact latitude and longitude at any moment and can find there way to any other location with ease and delight.

7. I have DAD-rage for those folks that don't mind getting lost because "it's an adventure."

Excuse me, I have to go put my head in a paper bag and breath deeply. This has been quite traumatic for me.

Current Knitting
Here's the progress I've made so far on the second sleeve of the Alpaca Herd Jacket.



I'm hoping that I get most of the sweater done this weekend, but I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about the collar and button band.

Xmas Gifts from Kiwi-Land
Yes, James has been up to his holiday tricks, sending out New Zealand gifts to brighten my holiday.



As with his other xmas gifts, I will wait until the actual holiday to open it, although I always read the card immediately. As you might imagine from his blog, he writes a very thoughtful and lovely holiday greeting.

Adam Spector Hodgkins Memorial Fund

11 comments:

Mel said...

Note to self: Never go on a road trip with Joe.

Barb B. said...

Here in Alberta, everyone gives directions "go east for 5 min., then turn north". I have no idea where east is, never mind north. And how fast are they driving for that 5 min.? I thought of one of those GPS thingys, but the screen is too small to read without my reading glasses, and I can't drive with them on. A paper bag in the car is a terrific idea.
I really like how the jacket is turning out, especially that sleeve. IMHO it should have a collar....like a nice size fold down one that you can haul up over your ears on the days you should have worn a hat and didn't.

Carol said...

Are you hinting for thaddeus to get you a handheld GPS for Christmas?

Anonymous said...

I sympathize. I was once driving my family up to PA, and unbeknownst to me, there was construction blocking the exit we needed. So, being quite ahead of schedule, I was unconcerned, and headed up to the next exit. This is when I discovered that one of the kids in the car had a dreadful fear of being lost. She had the MapQuest directions and was reading them and KNEW we had missed our turn. She was convinced that no good could come of this. She was flipping out in a manner I had never seen from this kid. It took me and her mother and a bunch of fast talking..."oh we're not lost, we're just taking a detour." "WE'RE LOST! AGGGH!" Like there were lions in York waiting to leap out and eat lost travelers. I was just darned sure we could find where we were going. Needless to say, once we got back on to the MapQuest approved road we were all relieved.
And I have never ever ever mentioned directions to this kid ever again. WHEW!

Ann (yet another) said...

Hmmm, I wasn't anonymous.....Blogger ate my name again! Ann

Michelle from MA said...

Joe, I can totally relate! I also have a terrible sense of direction. And it is 100% worse if I am within 5 miles of the ocean. I live on the coast, in Massachusetts and let's just say that I spend quite a bit of time driving around aimlessly hoping to find a route I am familiar with. At night it's worse. I always check my gas gauge too, if I have plenty I feel safe. I am the only one in my family who couldn't find my way out of a paper bag and I get ragged on all the time. Thanks for sharing your story, you made my day!

Seanna Lea said...

I hate to ask this, but ask this I must. Are you perhaps related to my husband? He's bad enough that I am consistently the navigator (not the driver, because that would necessitate lessons and a license and probably not fix the problem) with the huge book of maps in my lap.

I'm one of those people you hate. Getting lost can be an adventure, and I can't tell my east and north (or give lats and longs), but I just don't get lost for long.

Robin C said...

Joe,

you definitely need a GPS because they will even tell you where the gas station is located!

M-H said...

This made me laugh out loud - you may be my long-lost brother! Oddly, my DAD only comes into play when I am driving. I am a brilliant navigator. But put me behind the wheel in unfamiliar territory and I am a mess. I once drove for about twenty minutes, though driving rain (there was nowhere to pull off or turn), late for an important appointment, crying all the while, until I found a familiar road. It turned out well - I had in fact mistaken the time of the appointment and was 30 mins early.

Meribeth said...

Thank you for defining DAD! The bravura in my previous post was fake, since I also suffer from DAD, not knowing what it was.
I am the navigator, rarely the driver because I can Anot handle the threat of getting lost. I still get lost in the town I have lived in for over 20 years. It is not a large city, at all.
A GPS would be nice. The kind that talks to you, in a patient soft voice.
So now, I am going to go back to my corner and hope that the DAD-rage subsides.

FiberQat said...

Now I know to keep you occupied with something while I'm driving you around Portland. I'm one of those adventurous ones and I wouldn't want you to be hyperventilating in the Bright Red Bug.